The Beauty of Retreat

Often times, retreat signifies defeat in battle or the act of moving back or withdrawing.  How can that be good? Where is the beauty in it? It’s admitting failure and running away with your tail tucked between your legs, well by my understanding.  But during my recovery from oral surgery (which was quite traumatic) these last few weeks, I struggled immensely to pick back my routine up of writing every day, posting a few times a week.  An internal battle raged within me, my inner critical voice loudly proclaiming victory as I preferred to recuperate rather than half *** some writing just for the sake of writing.  Admittedly the times I tried, I didn’t feel the familiar rush of sensation normally felt when I sat to write.  Dry spell? Lack of inspiration? A trip to the dreaded land of writer’s block? For days, I had not a one inkling of an answer.  For weeks, I’ve gotten back into full swing at my day job yet unable to find the courage to clock into my real passions after hours.  My inner critic continued to scold and mock me, whispering how worthless and phony of a creative being I am.  My dreams, colorless, haunted me because they provided no inspirational outlet.  My thoughts, empty and focused mostly on the pain in my mouth and on the right side of my face, frightened and confused me.  I threw many questions before God (and myself) at odd hours when pain would jolt and awaken me.  Was what I labeled as passion really just a need to perform, to please? I obsessed over every single detail.  As a writer, obsessing over minor details can be beneficial but in real life, this can be downright detrimental.  Obsession of every single detail can led to compulsion which can in turn lead to a torturous thought life.  Again, all which kinda sorta assist me when I’m creating stories and characters (maybe those are my real muses) but can lead to a life of pure insanity.  One night, I realized my need to control was in cahoots with detail obsession AND that I was unnecessarily carrying this ginormous load on my tiny little shoulders.  It was in that moment, I made the decision to retreat.  Not in the way of the more common meaning but to surrender my obsession and control issues about my writing career to God. To trust the process, this beautiful, confusing-at-times, wonderful, satisfying path I am currently walking on.  That I will reach my destination as long as I continue to do my part and leave the detail obsession and need to control in the hands of the Creator (higher power, Universe, etc). Exhale. Let go. And that is where I found the beauty in retreat.

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One thought on “The Beauty of Retreat

  1. tamika jackson

    Retreat! I love this!! At times we struggle with the “let-go” and the “let Him”. When really He has more on the other side of our struggle that is way better than anything that we try to control. I say “write-on” huney…LOL your on to something big.

    Reply

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